Private Practice Business Consultation For Therapists

Why Do I Keep Choosing Emotionally Unavailable Partners? There you are again. You're sitting on the couch, phone in your hand, trying not to check whether they've read your text for the tenth time. "They're probably just busy." "They're just not a big texter." "They've been hurt before." Hours turn into a day. Maybe they finally respond like nothing happened. Relief washes over you...until the cycle starts all over again. A few months later, you find yourself journaling about the same lonely feeling you've had in every relationship once that three-month honeymoon phase wears off. You're carrying the emotional weight of the relationship, wondering why you're always the one trying harder, communicating more, or hoping they'll eventually become the partner you know they could be. If you've ever found yourself asking, "Why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners?", you're far from alone. And here's something that might surprise you: It doesn't necessarily mean you're "choosing the wrong people." Sometimes, your nervous system is choosing what feels familiar—even when it's hurting you. As a trauma therapist, this is one of the most common relationship patterns I see in my office. Why Am I Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Partners There usually isn't one simple answer. Many people who repeatedly find themselves in emotionally unavailable relationships aren't doing it intentionally. Instead, they're operating from patterns that developed long before they ever started dating. You may find yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable partners because: Emotional inconsistency feels familiar. You learned that love has to be earned. You confuse chemistry with emotional safety. You're used to chasing connection instead of receiving it. Healthy relationships initially feel "boring." Your nervous system mistakes unpredictability for passion. None of this means something is wrong with you. It simply means your brain and body may have learned that this version of love is normal. The good news? What has been learned can also be unlearned. What Does "Emotionally Unavailable" Actually Mean? Let's be real... "Emotionally unavailable" has become one of those phrases everyone throws around online, but nobody really explains what it actually means. While emotional availability exists on a spectrum, emotionally unavailable partners often display patterns like: Inconsistent communication Difficulty expressing emotions Avoiding conflict Avoiding commitment Hot-and-cold behavior Emotional distance Becoming defensive when emotions are discussed Not showing up emotionally when you need them Avoiding vulnerable conversations Being unavailable because of addiction, work, another relationship, or other priorities If you're mentally checking off most of those boxes, take a deep breath. This isn't about labeling someone as "bad." Everyone has seasons where they're overwhelmed or struggle to communicate. The difference is whether those moments are occasional—or whether they've become the foundation of the relationship. If you're constantly questioning where you stand, wondering why they're pulling away, or feeling like you're asking for the bare minimum, it's worth paying attention. Your Nervous System Prefers What's Familiar Here's something I tell clients all the time: Your nervous system isn't trying to make you miserable. It's trying to keep you alive. The problem is that our brains don't always know the difference between what's healthy and what's familiar. Let's be honest—our nervous systems naturally gravitate toward patterns we've experienced before, even when we logically know they aren't good for us. I see this all the time in therapy. A client tells me they somehow keep ending up with "the same person wearing a different face." Different names. Different jobs. Different personalities. But the relationship somehow feels exactly the same. So we slow things down and start looking at the pattern instead of the person. If you tend to have an anxious attachment style, your nervous system may naturally gravitate toward someone who is more avoidant. Here's why. When the anxious partner seeks reassurance, connection, or clarity, the avoidant partner often feels overwhelmed and pulls away. The anxious partner then tries harder. The avoidant partner distances themselves more. Eventually, the avoidant partner reconnects. The anxious partner finally feels relief. That relief creates a powerful dopamine hit. Your brain starts associating emotional inconsistency with emotional reward. Before long, the cycle itself begins to feel familiar. Why Healthy Relationships Can Feel....Boring One of my favorite conversations to have with clients goes something like this: "He's really nice...I just don't know if I'm feeling it." Sometimes there truly isn't a romantic connection. But sometimes what they're actually experiencing is something they've never consistently had before: Consistency. Healthy relationships don't usually leave you wondering where you stand. They don't rely on mixed signals. They don't require detective work. When your nervous system is used to emotional highs and lows, calm can initially feel boring. Not because something is missing. Because chaos has become your normal. Safe love often feels unfamiliar before it feels comforting. Love Became Something You Had To Earn Now let's go back to childhood. (I know...everyone loves when therapists say that.) But childhood and our early environments shape how we move through adult relationships far more than most people realize. Maybe you experienced: Emotionally inconsistent caregiving Praise that depended on achievement Parents who struggled to express emotions Feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings Learning to become the "easy child" Over-functioning to earn attention or approval Sometimes nothing obviously traumatic happened. In fact, one of the first things I hear in therapy is: "I had a great childhood." Or... "My parents did the best they could." And honestly? Both of those statements can absolutely be true. Your parents may have loved you deeply and genuinely done the best they could with what they knew. They also may have unintentionally taught you that your emotional needs came second. Those realities can exist together. Many adults who grew up with emotionally immature caregivers learned to work for love instead of simply receiving it. As adults, they often continue seeking partners who recreate those same emotional dynamics—not because they enjoy suffering, but because their nervous system recognizes the pattern. Hyper-Independence Often Hides Underneath Another pattern I commonly see is hyper-independence. Hyper-independence usually develops after experiences where relying on other people didn't feel emotionally safe. Maybe people let you down. Maybe asking for help led to disappointment. Maybe you learned that if something was going to get done, you had to do it yourself. At first glance, hyper-independence can look like confidence. But underneath, it often sounds like: "I don't need anyone." "I'll handle it myself." "Depending on people only leads to disappointment." The challenge is that healthy relationships require vulnerability. It's difficult to build intimacy while also keeping everyone at arm's length. If this resonates with you, I actually wrote an entire blog diving deeper into hyper-independence and how it affects relationships. Signs You May Be Repeating the Same Relationship Pattern Ask yourself: Do I ignore red flags because I hope they'll change? Do I excuse poor communication? Do I confuse anxiety with chemistry? Do I become the caretaker? Do I feel responsible for fixing or healing my partner? Do healthy people seem "boring"? Do I lose myself trying to keep someone close? Am I constantly wondering where I stand in the relationship? If you answered yes to several of these, don't shame yourself. Instead, get curious. Patterns aren't personal failures. They're information. Can Emotionally Unavailable People Change? This is probably one of the biggest questions people ask me. The short answer? Yes. But only if they recognize the pattern and genuinely want to change it. Love doesn't heal emotional unavailability. Self-awareness does. Accountability does. Therapy can. Unfortunately, many people stay in relationships because they're dating someone's potential instead of accepting who that person is today. Hope is beautiful. But hope isn't a treatment plan. How Therapy Can Help Break the Pattern One of my favorite parts of being a trauma therapist is watching clients realize: "Wait...I've been recreating the same relationship with different people." Not because they're broken. Not because they're "too much." But because nobody had ever helped them connect the dots. Therapy creates awareness, but it also creates choice. Together, we begin identifying the beliefs, attachment patterns, and nervous system responses that have quietly shaped your relationships for years. Depending on your needs, I may incorporate Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help you stop getting hooked by old stories and move toward relationships that align with your values. For clients carrying unresolved trauma, I also use Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) to help process painful memories that may still be influencing present-day relationships. One book I frequently recommend to clients exploring these patterns is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. It does an incredible job explaining how childhood experiences can continue shaping adult relationships—even when your parents genuinely loved you. You Deserve a Relationship Where You Don't Have to Chase Love If you've found yourself asking, "Why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners?", know this: These patterns can change. Healing isn't about becoming a different person. It's about learning to recognize relationships where you no longer have to earn love, chase connection, or sacrifice yourself to feel chosen. You deserve consistency. You deserve emotional safety. You deserve someone who communicates instead of disappears. And if this has been your pattern until now, I hope you remember one thing: Patterns aren't permanent. They're simply learned. And what has been learned can also be unlearned.

Things You Wont See On My Psychology Today If we've never met, welcome. I'm really glad you're here. Whether you found this blog because you're looking for a trauma therapist in Wilmington, NC, you're curious about Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), or you've been following along for a while, I thought it was time to reintroduce myself—not just as a therapist, but as the person behind Making Waves Counseling & Wellness. Over the years, I've had the privilege of discovering what genuinely lights me up as a therapist. Every client who sits across from me has helped shape the clinician I am today. I've intentionally built my practice around the values that matter most to me: creating a space where people can show up exactly as they are, do the hard work of healing, and feel safe enough to tell their stories. The Kind of Therapist I Strive to Be One thing that's hard to capture in an online profile is what it's actually like to sit across from me in a therapy session. If you asked my clients to describe me, I hope they'd say I'm compassionate, genuine, and willing to meet them where they are—but also someone who will challenge them when they need it. I believe therapy should be a balance of validation and accountability. Your experiences deserve to be understood, but healing also asks us to look honestly at the patterns that may no longer be serving us. One of the greatest compliments I've ever received from a client was: "I love the relationship that we have, and I wish other people could experience that for themselves." That has stayed with me because we know one of the strongest predictors of successful therapy isn't a specific technique—it's the therapeutic relationship. Research consistently shows that feeling safe, understood, and connected with your therapist plays one of the biggest roles in meaningful change. Every therapeutic relationship I build is unique because every client is unique. I adapt to the individual sitting across from me while staying true to who I am as a clinician. I won't sugarcoat difficult conversations if I believe they're important for your growth, but I work hard to deliver honesty with compassion, curiosity, and respect. At the end of the day, I don't want to be the therapist who simply listens. I want to be the clinician who walks alongside people through some of the hardest moments of their lives—helping them move through anxiety, trauma, grief, and uncertainty until they can see what's possible on the other side. One of my favorite quotes is, "Shame dies when stories are told in safe places." I truly believe that. My goal has always been to create a therapy environment where clients don't feel judged, rushed, or like they have to have everything figured out before they walk through my door. One thing you probably won't learn from my Psychology Today profile is just how much I love psychoeducation. I genuinely believe that knowledge is empowering. One of my favorite parts of therapy is pulling out my whiteboard (and drawing very badly—I definitely did not major in art) to explain what's happening inside the brain and nervous system. If I spend my time learning why certain interventions work, how trauma changes the brain, or why our nervous systems respond the way they do, then I want my clients to have that knowledge, too. I believe lasting change happens when people understand why they're feeling what they're feeling, not just how to cope with it. One of my favorite moments in therapy is watching someone realize that their body's responses aren't signs that they're "broken." They're often normal biological responses that once served a purpose but may no longer be serving them today. That's why I place such a strong emphasis on staying current with evidence-based research and continually learning new interventions that can help clients move beyond feeling stuck. Trauma work has always been where my passion lies. For years, I've approached trauma through both cognitive and somatic perspectives. Becoming trained in Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) added another powerful tool that allows me to help clients change the way trauma is stored and experienced. One of the questions I'm asked most often is, "Can I really feel different after working through my trauma?" My answer is yes. Watching someone begin to experience relief after carrying the weight of trauma for years never gets old. Whether I'm providing adjunct trauma therapy alongside a client's primary therapist or serving as their main therapist, I deeply value collaboration and making sure clients receive the best care possible. As I've grown into both a practice owner and a licensed clinician, I found myself wanting to give back to the profession that has given so much to me. When I was searching for my MSW internship, I hit one brick wall after another. Agencies already had interns, partnered exclusively with certain universities, or simply weren't able to take on another student. I kept a spreadsheet of every place I contacted, who I spoke with, what they said, and who I needed to call next. I even looked outside my county and was prepared to drive more than an hour just for the opportunity to complete my placement. Without an internship, I couldn't finish my degree. Thankfully, I landed exactly where I was meant to be, and I learned more than I could have imagined. That experience stayed with me. It's one of the biggest reasons I became a clinical supervisor for associate licensed social workers in North Carolina. I don't believe in gatekeeping knowledge. I believe our profession becomes stronger when experienced clinicians invest in the next generation. My goal is to help develop ethical, compassionate therapists who will continue serving our communities with high-quality mental health care. Another dream of mine was creating an office that actually felt calming the moment someone walked through the door. It all started with a Pinterest board. Whenever I found myself sitting in waiting rooms—whether at a doctor's office or my own therapy appointments—my mind would wander. "What would make this space feel more welcoming?" "How do I feel the moment I walk into this room?" "Do the wall colors make people feel calmer?" "Would offering snacks or drinks help someone feel more comfortable?" "What feels authentic to me?" Those little questions became the foundation of the office I have today. I've worked hard to create a space that feels thoughtful, welcoming, and accessible. I keep the office as scent-free as possible for clients with allergies, asthma, or scent sensitivities. I use an air purifier and dehumidifier, wash blankets and pillowcases with fragrance-free detergent, and choose cleaning products without added dyes or perfumes whenever possible. I also keep drinks, snacks, and a variety of fidget items available because sometimes it's the small details that help people feel just a little more at ease. More Than a Therapy Session At the end of the day, I hope clients leave my office feeling seen, understood, and a little less alone than when they arrived. Therapy has never been about "fixing" people to me. It's about helping people understand themselves, reconnect with their strengths, and discover that healing is possible—even if they've been carrying their story for a long time. Whether you're looking for trauma therapy, anxiety counseling, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, or simply a therapist who values collaboration, curiosity, and authenticity, I hope this gave you a better glimpse into who I am beyond the credentials and professional profiles. If our paths cross someday, I look forward to meeting you. And if not, I hope you find a therapist who helps you feel safe, understood, and supported. Everyone deserves that.

One of the most common things I work on with women in therapy is helping them untangle the cycle of negative self-talk. We all have those moments. Maybe it's the voice that tells us we aren't good enough, the feeling that we messed something up, or the belief that we should have handled a situation differently. I put the word should in quotation marks because it's something I hear almost every day in session. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), "should" statements are considered a cognitive distortion—a thinking pattern that can keep us feeling stuck in shame, guilt, anxiety, or self-criticism. What often starts as one difficult thought quickly becomes many. I tell my clients to imagine it like flushing one negative thought down a toilet, except instead of disappearing, it starts swirling around and pulling every other negative thought into the bowl with it. Before long, we're spiraling, replaying conversations, questioning ourselves, and ruminating for hours—or sometimes even days. Over time, these patterns can chip away at our self-confidence, contribute to low self-esteem, increase anxiety, and leave us feeling emotionally exhausted. Looking Beneath Negative Self-Talk When we begin exploring these thought patterns together, I often notice there's something deeper underneath them. Sometimes it's rooted in attachment wounds. Other times it's connected to long-standing beliefs about self-worth or confidence. More often than not, it's a combination of both. One of the things I value most as a therapist is helping clients get to the root of what's happening instead of simply putting a bandage over the symptoms. Coping skills are incredibly important, but I also believe healing happens when we understand why our minds keep returning to the same painful places. One tool I frequently use is a CBT technique called the Downward Arrow Technique. Rather than stopping at the first negative thought, we gently follow it deeper. For example: Client: "I hate that I always doubt myself at work. I feel like people can tell, and it makes me look bad." Therapist: "If we assumed that were true, what does your brain say that means about you?" Client: "It means nobody likes me." Therapist: "And if nobody liked you, what would that mean?" Client: "I'd feel really alone... like I failed." Therapist: "It sounds like underneath the self-doubt is a fear of being a failure." In just a few questions, we've moved from worrying about work performance to uncovering a much deeper belief that has likely been there for a long time. How Childhood Experiences Shape Our Inner Voice Once we begin identifying that core belief, I often integrate Internal Family Systems (IFS), an evidence-based therapy approach that helps us understand the different "parts" of ourselves. Together, we become curious about when that feeling first appeared. More often than not, it doesn't begin in adulthood. It begins in childhood. One thing I notice is that many clients struggle to offer compassion to their adult selves because they believe they should know better by now. We're often much harsher toward ourselves as adults than we would ever be toward a younger version of ourselves. As we connect with that younger part—the one who first learned they weren't enough, felt rejected, or believed they had failed—something begins to shift. Sometimes I incorporate bilateral stimulation using hand movements or techniques inspired by Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART). Other times, I simply invite clients to imagine a safe place where their adult self can meet their younger self. Then I ask questions like: "What does your younger self need to hear?" "What would you want them to know?" "Can you offer them the validation they never received?" These moments are often incredibly powerful. Instead of continuing the cycle of criticism, clients begin practicing self-compassion. They learn to speak to themselves with kindness rather than judgment. A Self-Compassion Exercise to Try at Home One of my favorite pieces of homework grows out of this exercise. During session, I'll ask clients to describe what their younger self looks like. Maybe they're seven years old. Maybe they're wearing a favorite outfit or have a familiar hairstyle. Then I'll ask if they have a photograph of themselves from that age. If they do, I encourage them to place that photo on their bathroom mirror. Each day, instead of directing affirmations toward their adult self—which can sometimes feel unbelievable—I invite them to speak to the child in the picture. To tell them: "You are enough." "I'm proud of you." "You didn't deserve what happened to you." "You are safe now." Something remarkable often happens. Many people find it far easier to extend kindness to the child they once were than to themselves today. Over time, that compassion begins to bridge the gap. The way we speak to our younger selves slowly becomes the way we speak to our adult selves. Healing doesn't usually happen because we learn to silence our inner critic overnight. It happens because we begin listening to the part of ourselves that has been hurting all along—and we finally respond with the compassion it has always deserved. If you've noticed that negative self-talk, anxiety, or low self-esteem keep showing up in your life, know that you're not alone. Those thoughts often have a story behind them. Therapy can provide a safe space to understand where those beliefs came from, develop greater self-compassion, and begin healing from the inside out. Would you say the things you tell yourself today to the child in this picture?

“Won’t break, can’t shake, this fate, rewrite. Deep breaths, tight chest, life, death, rewind.” — Eternal Sunshine, Ariana Grande As a therapist, I’m always looking for ways to deepen my clinical skills and better meet my clients’ needs. I’ve long been fascinated by the neuroscience of trauma and the ways we can help clients “rewrite” their relationship with traumatic memories—how the body holds what the mind tries to move past. When I attended a conference and discovered Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), I knew it was a natural next step in my work. I’ve also been a long-time Ariana Grande fan. As a therapist, I’ve admired her resilience and her ability to move through very public, very human moments of grief and trauma while the world watched. As a person, I’ve appreciated her honesty about how those experiences impacted her—and her openness about seeking mental health support. Her 2024 album Eternal Sunshine—a nod to the 2004 film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet—explores the desire to erase painful memories entirely. That longing is something I often see in clients who have experienced trauma: the wish to delete what happened because the emotional weight feels unbearable, and the nervous system continues to replay it as if it is still happening. Later in her Eternal Sunshine Tour, Ariana seems to reflect a shift—not toward erasure, but toward integration and healing. A recognition that we don’t have to remove painful experiences to move forward. We can grow through them, even when it feels like everything in us is cracked open. In many ways, my mind connects this arc to trauma therapy. Having received ART myself and facilitated it with clients more than 25 times, I understand why it can initially feel “too good to be true.” It can feel like the closest thing to Eternal Sunshine: not erasing memory, but changing your relationship to it. The key difference is this: ART does not erase memories. The factual memory remains intact. What shifts is the emotional and physiological response to it. Clients often describe the memory feeling more distant, less vivid, or as if it exists behind a curtain—they can see it, but it no longer overwhelms them. Instead of being relived in the body, the memory becomes something that can be remembered without being re-experienced. For me, both as a clinician and as a person, that distinction matters. Healing is not about becoming someone without a past—it’s about no longer being trapped inside it. ------ As Ariana Grande's Brighter Days Ahead suggests, healing is not about deleting the chapters that hurt. It's about discovering that those chapters no longer define the entire story. Even after trauma, brighter days remain possible—not because the past disappeared, but because we learned how to move forward with it. Interested in becoming an ART client? Click the contact form at the top of our website to send an inquiry straight to our clinician.

As I move into 2026, I knew I wanted to experience growth in my practice and expand my clinical reach in a way that felt aligned with who I am as a clinician. It was not until I attended a training and was introduced to Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)  that something truly clicked. From the beginning of private practice, I told myself I would wait for the right intervention to speak to me rather than forcing myself into something that did not feel authentic. If you know me, you know I do not tend to conform to traditional standards for the sake of doing so. I choose approaches that feel genuine and grounded in both effectiveness and intuition. Accelerated Resolution Therapy felt exactly like that. It felt authentic to me, to my work, and to the way I want my practice to continue evolving. I am excited to share that I will begin accepting clients for Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)  in April 2026. This new trauma-focused approach will not replace the modalities I currently use. Instead, it expands my clinical toolbox so I can better support both existing clients and those I will work with in the future. What Is Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)? Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)  is an evidence-based, trauma-focused therapy that uses guided eye movements to help clients process distressing memories. Through this process, clients are supported in replacing distressing images with more adaptive ones, allowing the nervous system to integrate experiences in a way that feels contained and intentional. One of the reasons I was drawn to ART is that it incorporates several interventions I already enjoy using in sessions. Accelerated Resolution Therapy integrates elements of Gestalt therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and guided imagery, while using eye movements to facilitate voluntary shifts in how the mind holds certain experiences. Within its structured protocol, ART is designed to be highly effective and often works more efficiently than traditional talk therapy alone. You May Be a Good Candidate for Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) If You Are: A trauma survivor, including those with single-incident or complex trauma Experiencing trauma-related symptoms that show up in the body Seeking a faster, more focused approach than traditional therapy A visual thinker or someone who feels stuck in recurring patterns When choosing to add this evidence-based trauma modality to my practice, I did so with intention. I reflected on how Accelerated Resolution Therapy could support my clients more effectively and whether it genuinely interested me as a clinician. ART felt like a natural extension of the work I already do and the interventions I rely on daily. As April approaches, I will be sharing more information and announcements for both current and new clients. If you are interested in being added to the Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) waitlist , you can do so through the contact form on our website. This contact form can be used to join our waitlist for Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART). Additional details will be shared as availability approaches. https://kara-tolman.clientsecure.me/contact-widget Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW About the Clinician Kara Tolman, LCSW, is a licensed therapist based in Wilmington, North Carolina, offering trauma-informed therapy for individuals seeking meaningful healing and lasting change. As the founder of Making Waves Counseling and Wellness, Kara works with adults navigating trauma, anxiety, life transitions, and patterns that no longer serve them. Her approach is grounded, relational, and compassionate, creating a space where clients can reconnect with themselves and move forward with clarity and intention. Kara integrates evidence-based and trauma-focused therapies, including somatic and experiential approaches, to support nervous system regulation and deeper emotional processing. Whether clients are searching for a Wilmington NC therapist near me or looking for care that feels authentic and collaborative, Kara is committed to meeting each person where they are and supporting growth at a pace that feels safe and sustainable.

When we talk about anxiety, we normally think of panic attacks, a racing heart, sweating, and worst-case scenarios. But for many women, anxiety shows up in a much sneakier way—one that we often can’t quite pinpoint. This can leave us feeling confused, overwhelmed, or even like we’re going crazy. Instead of panic, it often looks like control, competence, and over-functioning in our daily routines. Women who hold respectable jobs, run households, and manage children’s schedules may experience what feels like high-functioning anxiety—the kind of anxiety where you constantly feel “on.” In my experience as a therapist, I’ve witnessed and treated many women who are socially conditioned to feel this way. We are taught to be accommodating, emotionally aware, and responsible. We’re praised for being strong and reliable. Over time, anxiety can become a tool for survival—a way to stay prepared, avoid potential conflict, and maintain control over our surroundings or ourselves. Some may even applaud you for being independent or hyper-independent. The Silent Cost of Anxiety Silent anxiety does come with significant costs, including: Difficulty relaxing or viewing rest as unproductive Persistent self-doubt Guilt when setting boundaries or slowing down to rest Feeling constantly on edge Increased emotional exhaustion A lack of clear direction at times Strain on important relationships or marriage Increased burnout at work Anxiety is a learned survival response, and it is protective. You learned to use it to keep yourself safe in situations that once did not feel safe. And if your anxiety is silent, functional, and mostly invisible, it still deserves to be brought into the light. Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW O   Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW , is a therapist in Wilmington, NC, who specializes in supporting people through anxious thoughts, evolving relationships, life transitions, and the intricacies of military life. Kara approaches therapy like a blend of education and artistry. She loves turning insights into metaphors, stories, visuals—even small moments of personal honesty—to help clients make sense of their inner world. Her writing lets you peek behind the curtain of her sessions, giving you a feel for how she thinks, teaches, and supports change. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/kara-tolman-wilmington-nc/846652

As this year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting with deep gratitude—for the clients who trusted me with their stories, the growth of my practice, and the lessons that continue to shape me as both a therapist and a human being. Gratitude is more than a feel-good concept; it’s a grounding practice. Taking time to acknowledge what has gone well—especially in a world that often feels overwhelming—helps us build resilience, perspective, and hope. This year reminded me just how powerful that practice can be. Celebrating Two Years of Making Waves Counseling and Wellness One of the highlights of this year was celebrating Making Waves Counseling and Wellness’ 2nd birthday . What started as a vision rooted in compassion, authenticity, and meaningful change has grown into a space where healing, self-discovery, and growth are truly honored. Every client, collaborator, and supporter has helped shape this practice into what it is today. I’m incredibly thankful for the community that continues to “make waves” by choosing growth, vulnerability, and intentional living. Expanding Access to Care and Support This year also brought meaningful expansion. In an effort to make therapy more accessible, I became paneled with Ambetter , allowing more individuals and families to receive care without added financial stress. Access matters, and I remain committed to meeting people where they are—both emotionally and practically. This year alone, I spent nearly 60,000 minutes in therapy sessions, collaborating with clients on meaningful goals that support long-term emotional well-being and more fulfilling lives. I’m deeply thankful for the clients who chose to work with me and who continued to prioritize their mental health, even when the process felt challenging. In addition to therapy services, I also began working with consulting clients , supporting: Small business owners seeking healthier, more balanced lives Therapists and helpers looking to prevent burnout and reconnect with purpose Professionals who want to live happier, more values-aligned lives Watching clients grow not only personally but professionally has been one of the most rewarding parts of this year. Looking Ahead: My Word for 2026 Is Growth As I look toward 2026, the word that continues to resonate with me is growth . I want to continue to grow as a therapist to help others live a life that feels emotionally rich and grounded. Growth to me means investing time in education to better serve my clients, expanding my reach and narrowing down my niche even further. In that spirit, I’m excited to share that next year, Making Waves Counseling and Wellness will offer Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) . This advanced trauma-informed approach will allow us to support clients in processing distressing experiences in a way that is efficient, empowering, and compassionate. An Invitation to Begin (or Continue) Your Healing Journey If you’ve been considering therapy, consultation, or simply a space to reflect and grow, I want you to know that you’re not alone and you don’t have to have it all figured out to begin. Growth starts with awareness. Healing starts with connection. And sometimes, the bravest step is simply reaching out. As we move into a new year, my hope is that you give yourself permission to grow at your own pace, honor what you’ve survived, and remain open to what’s possible. With gratitude, Making Waves Counseling and Wellness

Why is it so hard to ask for help? What a convoluted question, right? My millennial mind immediately goes to Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Women, Pt. 1” : Try to control me, boy, you get dismissed Pay my own car note and pay my own bills Always fifty-fifty in relationships… If you haven’t heard it, listen to it on their 2001 Survivor  album. And if you haven’t read my other blog, “Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationships with Hyper independence?” , I recommend starting there. I work with many women who share similar traits: high-achieving, motivated, resilient, outspoken, and capable. And almost all of them have one thing in common: Unhealed, untouched attachment wounds. Beneath the polished independence is a quiet truth most hyper independent women never say out loud: Vulnerability was not safe. Capability was safer. Conditioned for Strength — Not Support From a young age, many high-achieving women were praised for being: Responsible Emotionally low-maintenance Self-sufficient The “easy” or “mature” child For some, this is intertwined with glass child syndrome  — growing up with a sibling whose emotional or behavioral needs demanded more attention. In response, you learned to handle your own emotions, become self-reliant, and perfect the art of over-functioning. Asking for help wasn’t something you were taught  to do. It wasn’t modeled. It wasn’t encouraged. In many cases, it wasn’t even available . The Psychology Behind Hyper independence We’ve all heard of Pavlov’s dogs. If not, here’s the short version: Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, discovered classical conditioning by pairing a neutral stimulus (a bell) with food. Over time, the dogs learned to associate the bell with eating, and eventually salivated at the sound alone. The response became automatic. So how does this relate to hyper independence? Because human beings are also  conditioned by experience. When vulnerability repeatedly leads to: rejection criticism unmet needs emotional neglect disappointment …the brain learns to associate asking for help with danger . Vulnerability becomes paired with pain. Independence becomes paired with safety. Hyper independence doesn’t form from preference — it forms from protection. It becomes a defense mechanism  because your nervous system has been conditioned to view relying on others as unsafe. Hyper independence wasn’t a choice; it was a survival strategy. A Wickedly Helpful Metaphor This reminds me of a quote from Wicked  (mild spoiler ahead):“ Are we born wicked, or is wickedness thrust upon us? ” In the story, Elphaba — the Wicked Witch of the West — isn’t innately wicked. She develops a hardened exterior because of rejection, shame, and misunderstanding. The world labels her “wicked,” so she uses that identity as armor to survive. Hyper independence works the same way: A kind of invisibility cloak that shields your most vulnerable parts. Elphaba, like many hyper independent women, had deeply unmet emotional needs and significant attachment wounds. Her mother died during childbirth, her father rejected her, and throughout the film she resists help — even from Galinda, her closest friend. Hyper independence often looks like strength, but its roots grow from unattended pain. Healing the Part That Learned Help Wasn’t Safe In my work with clients, we often start with mindful self-compassion  and parts work  — gently meeting the wounded part of the self that learned help was unsafe. Together, we explore: identifying that wounded part understanding its unmet needs uncovering where those needs were denied offering compassion, safety, and validation slowly rebuilding trust in vulnerability This process isn’t easy. It asks you to revisit parts of yourself you long ago buried because they didn’t feel safe to access. But when clients can sit with these parts — rather than abandon them — something profound happens: They begin to feel safer asking for help. Even when rejection is possible. Not because they suddenly “become less independent,” but because they learn that independence doesn’t have to mean isolation. Asking for help becomes less of a threat and more of a skill — one that can be relearned, rebuilt, and reclaimed. Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW , is a therapist in Wilmington, NC, who specializes in supporting people through anxious thoughts, evolving relationships, life transitions, and the intricacies of military life. Kara approaches therapy like a blend of education and artistry. She loves turning insights into metaphors, stories, visuals—even small moments of personal honesty—to help clients make sense of their inner world. Her writing lets you peek behind the curtain of her sessions, giving you a feel for how she thinks, teaches, and supports change.

Have you ever dreamed of working for yourself, setting your own schedule, and building something that feels meaningful — but felt overwhelmed by where to start? I get it... I started my business on caffeine and dreams. Making Waves Counseling and Wellness turned 2 years old in April 2025. I remember where I was sitting and what I was doing the day I decided to work for myself. I was scared, unsure yet motivated that I could do it in a 30 day time period. Yes, you heard that right.. A 30 day time period. While working as a therapist, I struggled with not having autonomy. I dreamed of a life where the Sunday scaries did not exist and I was able to 'drive the boat'. As a therapist, I have spent a lot of time around individuals who crave the same autonomy but struggle to find balance but I am here to say it is doable. My practices focuses on increasing happiness through intentional and values based living. My consulting services are an extension of that. I love helping people identify what they are passionate about and create thriving businesses around their personal values. The Challenges The most common problems I see with individuals are the following: Wanting more independence but not knowing the steps Feeling like business ownership is too risky Being stuck in jobs that do not align with their lifestyle needs Fear of rocking the boat Let me say this first, valid. Before starting my small business, I was worried about my needs, feeling stuck, failing, not knowing and rocking the boat. I questioned my ability to be able to do it and decided I was not going to let fear decide for me. I went home and sat in front of my computer to create a very informal business plan. If I am honest, I felt like I was tapping into my inner child when creating a business plan because it all felt too good to be true. You mean I can rent a space, I can panel with insurance, I can hire an accountant? The first thing I did was reach into my community of people and seek a resource who would help me build my Rocketship while flying. She consulted with me around taxes, niche, rates, billing, website and so much more. She really was an instrumental part in my business being what it is today. The Solution The solution to these feelings is simple, 1:1 consulting sessions. My consulting approach is similar to how I practice therapy, client centered. You have waited forever to have autonomy and I wont be taking that from you, if anything, I would encourage it. I would help define business ideas, structure, and provide support that encourages practical strategy and emotional wellbeing. My services are tailored to you, not a 1 size fits all approach. If you have been thinking about creating more freedom for yourself, I would love to help explore your business idea. I offer private pay consulting services where we work together to find a path that fits your lifestyle and needs. You do not have to wait until your 110% ready, start taking small steps today towards autonomy. Kara Tolman is a small business owner based in Wilmington, NC, dedicated to helping people create lives filled with purpose and meaning. She is passionate about supporting individuals who are motivated to align their work and personal goals with their core values, empowering them to build businesses — and lives — that truly feel worth living.

Introduction Let’s be honest- feeling stuck in life can leave you drained, discouraged, and even hopeless.  Before long, every day starts to feel like Groundhog Day : same breakfast, same commute, same playlist on repeat. You might catch yourself longing for that spark you once had—like the excitement of your very first day of high school, only to realize life now feels more like you’re just another cog in the machine. Helping clients move through this “stuck” season is actually one of my specialties. I often use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)  and a values-based living approach  to guide people back toward a sense of freedom, purpose, and aliveness. In this blog, I’ll share practical, therapist-backed strategies  you can start using today to begin reconnecting with what truly matters and to take those first steps toward feeling alive again Understanding the Feeling of Being Stuck Feeling stuck is when life starts to feel like it’s on repeat—same routines, same thoughts, same frustrations and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to move forward. It’s a mix of frustration, indecision, and low motivation that keeps you from feeling fully alive. People often feel stuck for reasons like lack of purpose, fear, self-doubt, stress, past trauma, or limited support and connection . Recognizing that feeling is the first step—waking up to the monotony of “Groundhog Day” is an invitation to pause and reflect. Through introspection and intentional action, we can begin to create meaningful change and live a life that feels purposeful. The challenge of getting unstuck is compounded by a culture that rarely rewards intentional living. We’re praised for making more money, climbing the corporate ladder, working long hours, and pushing ourselves to the brink of burnout. In contrast, slowing down, reflecting, and acting with intention is often labeled as lazy despite the fact that living intentionally is what truly sustains fulfillment and growth. 1. Practice Acceptance Rather Than Avoidance Acceptance in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)  doesn’t mean giving up. It means allowing your thoughts and feelings to exist without letting them run your life . Instead of struggling with fear, sadness, or stress, acceptance teaches you to notice these emotions and keep moving toward what truly matters. It’s about making space for life as it is, so you can act with purpose and live in alignment with your values. With acceptance, means riding your emotions like a wave and understanding that everything is temporary. Embracing your emotions means allowing yourself to fully feel whatever comes up —joy, sadness, anger, or fear—without judgment or suppression. When we acknowledge our emotions instead of pushing them away, we gain insight into our needs, values, and experiences. Accepting emotions as valid signals helps us respond to life with clarity, resilience, and authenticity. 2. Identify Your Core Values One activity I often find joy in guiding others through is identifying their core values . Knowing your values helps clarify what you truly stand for—and what you don’t. They act as a compass, guiding you through both calm and stormy times. In life, we often act in alignment with our values, but trauma or major life stressors  can leave our value system feeling weakened or misaligned. Have you ever faced a critical decision and felt completely lost about which direction to take? Your values can light the way . Reflect on moments that feel like a highlight or peak Notice common themes Think about actions/behaviors you participated in recently and ask what drove them Write down a few values 3. Set Meaningful Goals During my undergraduate, I had the privilege of taking a course on happiness. One of the exercises focused on identifying goals rooted in our personal values. One of my goals became simple yet powerful: to pause and smell the roses during my weekly walk . By dedicating just 15 minutes of an already scheduled activity, I noticed a boost in my mood and a refreshing sense of mental clarity. This experience highlights how small, intentional steps integrated into your existing routine  can support motivation and well-being—no need to reinvent the wheel! 4. Engage in Mindfulness Practices In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), mindfulness is a core practice that helps you stay present with your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment. Rather than trying to control or suppress difficult emotions, mindfulness teaches you to observe them with curiosity and openness. This awareness creates space to choose actions aligned with your values, rather than reacting automatically to discomfort. Practicing mindfulness in daily life can increase emotional resilience, reduce stress, and help you live more intentionally. As I explain to my clients, mindfulness is not an activity but a state of mind. You can be mindful doing any activity, even folding laundry. There are 2 major components of mindfulness- acceptance and awareness. Next time you are walking your neighborhood or local park, check in with yourself and practice those 2 things. 5. Challenge Negative Thoughts Cognitive restructuring is a great way to help fix those negative thoughts that make you feel stuck in a loop. Most of my clients often participate in cognitive distortions which is a fancy way of saying irrational thoughts. Irrational thoughts can feel like glue and often become sticky when we fuse ourselves to them. One of my favorite techniques is teaching cognitive defusion where we put distance between ourselves and our thoughts. Imagine your sitting in a movie theater seat and your thoughts are the credits on the screen. From a distance our problems do not feel as big or as overwhelming. 6. Cultivate Self-Compassion Imagine a world where the way you speak to a stranger on their worst day is the same way you speak to yourself every day. Sounds amazing, right? Mindfulness and self-compassion  are central to our work with clients who feel stuck or uncertain about their next steps in life. Think about it—when a friend says she wants to run a marathon but hasn’t run in years, you don’t laugh or criticize; you offer encouragement and guidance so she can succeed. When a friend is navigating a difficult divorce, you don’t tell her what she could have done differently—you simply sit with her as she processes her emotions. Self-compassion works the same way with yourself.  It’s about recognizing your shared humanity, meeting yourself where you truly are, and offering the same grace you would give someone else. By practicing self-compassion, you reduce harsh self-judgment and open the door to growth, courage, and meaningful action. Example Exercise: With my clients I often tell them to start with their younger self. How can you offer compassion to a part of you that struggled and how can you meet that need? 7. Seek Professional Help if Needed Working with a therapist can be incredibly transformative. With the right guidance, you can break free from unhelpful thinking patterns and start living a life that feels joyful, meaningful, and aligned with your values—almost like stepping into your favorite childhood memory. Everyone deserves a life that feels purposeful, fulfilling, and truly their own. Meet the Writer Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW, is the owner and lead therapist at Making Waves Counseling and Wellness . She specializes in anxiety management, trauma healing, relationship challenges, and values-driven living . Kara is passionate about helping clients create a life that feels meaningful, joyful, and fully aligned with their values, guiding them toward greater happiness and personal fulfillment.

Finding Your Path in Modern Dating Welcome to the world of dating in 2025. Swiping right has become second nature, video calls often replace in-person meetings, and genuine connections can feel scarce amidst digital distractions. As women, we navigate a social landscape filled with expectations, where every match can trigger excitement or anxiety. In this fast-paced environment, issues like anxiety, pressure, ghosting, and vulnerability are common. These experiences can often shake our confidence and make us doubt our worth. But this guide aims to help you thrive, not just survive, as you embark on your dating journey. Understanding the Impact of Dating on Mental Health Online dating significantly impacts mental health. With endless profiles available, 68% of users report experiencing swipe fatigue , feeling overwhelmed by choices. This constant decision-making can lead to anxiety and stress. Rejection fears are real. Each unreturned message can chip away at your self-esteem. Beyond that, the pressure to maintain a flawless online persona can exhaust even the strongest individuals. The need to perfect your photos and bio can make you question your worth against others. Ghosting and breadcrumbing are common experiences in the dating world. Studies show that 70% of people have encountered ghosting at some point. One moment you’re engaged in lively conversation, and the next, you're met with silence. These experiences can lead to feelings of inadequacy and sadness, highlighting the importance of recognizing how they affect you mentally. Setting Boundaries Without Guilt Your mental health and personal goals should remain a priority in dating. It's essential to understand your intentions—whether you're looking for a serious relationship, casual encounters, or simply exploring your options. Once you know what you seek, communicate your needs confidently. Healthy boundaries might involve discussing how much time you’re willing to invest or how quickly you want to move physically. Consider sitting across from a date while saying, “I’m looking for something meaningful,” or “I’d prefer to take things slow.” Such open and assertive communication helps reduce pressure, paving the way for healthier interactions where you can engage without losing yourself. Recognizing Red Flags Early Awareness is crucial in spotting red flags. Emotional manipulation and love bombing can easily masquerade as genuine affection. For instance, if a partner showers you with overwhelming attention initially but later starts to disregard your feelings, these are clear signs to watch for. Lets be real, love bombing feels wonderful in the beginning, I mean, why wouldn't someone think you are awesome? Here are some common love bombing examples to look out for in early phases of dating... Excessive compliments Rushing Intimacy Constant communication Lavish gifts Sudden intensity Isolation tactics Mood shifts when boundaries are set Trust your instincts. If something feels off—like when someone dismisses your boundaries or belittles your concerns—take a step back to reassess. Protecting your mental health is a significant act of self-love and should be at the forefront of your dating experience. Heres what love bombing typical says about the person doing it... Desire for control Manipulative tendencies Fear of rejection or insecurity Idealization → Devaluation → Discard Unrealistic views of love Prioritizing Self-Care While Dating Self-care is vital when entering the dating scene. One helpful method is emotional regulation. Journaling your thoughts or practicing grounding techniques can offer clarity and help process anxiety. Avoid internalizing rejection; one person’s disinterest doesn't reflect your value. Instead, build a balanced life filled with friendships, hobbies, and personal aspirations. Creating a rich life can not only recharge you but also attract healthier relationships. For example, dedicating time weekly to engage in interests like painting or hiking not only enriches your life but also helps maintain perspective on dating.

Have you ever wondered if humans are just complex plants? Both of us thrive with proper care, nourishment, and a suitable environment. As you seek better mental health, it's vital to remember that underlying medical issues can profoundly impact your emotional state. In this post, we will discuss the importance of addressing these issues before diving into therapy. Plants flourish in nutrient-rich soil, and similarly, your body requires essential vitamins and minerals to operate well. For example, a study showed that more than 40% of adults are vitamin D deficient . Factors such as trauma, anxiety, or low iron levels can be more influential on your mental health than you realize. The Importance of Ruling Out Medical Issues When facing emotional struggles, it's common to think the problem lies only within your mental state. Yet, your physical health plays a crucial role in mental clarity and mood regulation. For instance, research indicates that individuals with low iron levels are 50% more likely to experience feelings of fatigue and depression . This means that when your iron is low, you might feel sluggish, affecting how you engage in therapy. Addressing these physical health aspects can enhance your emotional well-being. While therapy can offer a transformative experience, entering into it without addressing potential medical issues is akin to planting a seed in barren soil. A robust foundation is essential for healthy growth. An assessment from the appropriate provider could uncover potential biological issues affecting your emotional progress, leading to a more effective treatment plan. Ultimately, nurturing yourself is an intertwined process of caring for both your body and mind. By addressing any underlying medical issues, you can maximize the benefits of therapy and grow as a person—just like a well-cared-for, thriving plant. A therapist in the wild who often needs water, sunlight and fresh air in order to thrive. Thoughts From Your Therapist Did that title grab your attention? This is a phrase I often use with my friends when I find myself being trapped inside for too long, especially during the winter months. I try my best to take breaks outside in the sun and I often say, "Ugh, I am just like a complicated plant. I need sun and fresh air to thrive!". When working with clients, I often ask them, "When was your last physical with your doctor & when did you have blood drawn?". I often find in my practice that clients with low levels of iron experience more anxiety or clients with low levels of vitamin d can be experiencing low mood. As a therapist, it helps to rule out any medical conditions to ensure I am able to treat and diagnosis you effectively. Get to know Kara Tolman...... Kara is a licensed mental health therapist located in Wilmington, NC, committed to helping individuals pursue a more authentic lifestyle. She maintains strong ties with the military community. Kara is an alumna of the University of North Carolina Wilmington and Edinboro University. She employs a collaborative approach in her sessions to promote her clients' overall healing. Currently, she owns and operates Making Waves Counseling and Wellness in Wilmington, NC. Outside of her professional commitments, Kara enjoys gardening and spending time with her pets.