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Why Being ‘Fine’ All the Time Can Be a Sign of Anxiety
- karatolman1
- Jan 6
- 2 min read
When we talk about anxiety, we normally think of panic attacks, a racing heart, sweating, and worst-case scenarios. But for many women, anxiety shows up in a much sneakier way—one that we often can’t quite pinpoint. This can leave us feeling confused, overwhelmed, or even like we’re going crazy.
Instead of panic, it often looks like control, competence, and over-functioning in our daily routines.
Women who hold respectable jobs, run households, and manage children’s schedules may experience what feels like high-functioning anxiety—the kind of anxiety where you constantly feel “on.”
In my experience as a therapist, I’ve witnessed and treated many women who are socially conditioned to feel this way. We are taught to be accommodating, emotionally aware, and responsible. We’re praised for being strong and reliable. Over time, anxiety can become a tool for survival—a way to stay prepared, avoid potential conflict, and maintain control over our surroundings or ourselves. Some may even applaud you for being independent or hyper-independent.
The Silent Cost of Anxiety
Silent anxiety does come with significant costs, including:
Difficulty relaxing or viewing rest as unproductive
Persistent self-doubt
Guilt when setting boundaries or slowing down to rest
Feeling constantly on edge
Increased emotional exhaustion
A lack of clear direction at times
Strain on important relationships or marriage
Increased burnout at work
Anxiety is a learned survival response, and it is protective. You learned to use it to keep yourself safe in situations that once did not feel safe. And if your anxiety is silent, functional, and mostly invisible, it still deserves to be brought into the light.
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Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist in Wilmington, NC, who specializes in supporting people through anxious thoughts, evolving relationships, life transitions, and the intricacies of military life.
Kara approaches therapy like a blend of education and artistry. She loves turning insights into metaphors, stories, visuals—even small moments of personal honesty—to help clients make sense of their inner world. Her writing lets you peek behind the curtain of her sessions, giving you a feel for how she thinks, teaches, and supports change.
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