Why Asking For Help Feels Impossible For The Hyper Independent Woman

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

What a convoluted question, right?

My millennial mind immediately goes to Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Women, Pt. 1”:

Try to control me, boy, you get dismissed

Pay my own car note and pay my own bills

Always fifty-fifty in relationships…

If you haven’t heard it, listen to it on their 2001 Survivor album. And if you haven’t read my other blog, “Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationships with Hyper independence?”, I recommend starting there.

I work with many women who share similar traits: high-achieving, motivated, resilient, outspoken, and capable. And almost all of them have one thing in common:

Unhealed, untouched attachment wounds.

Beneath the polished independence is a quiet truth most hyper independent women never say out loud:

Vulnerability was not safe. Capability was safer.

Conditioned for Strength — Not Support

From a young age, many high-achieving women were praised for being:

• Responsible

• Emotionally low-maintenance

• Self-sufficient

• The “easy” or “mature” child

  
  

For some, this is intertwined with glass child syndrome — growing up with a sibling whose emotional or behavioral needs demanded more attention. In response, you learned to handle your own emotions, become self-reliant, and perfect the art of over-functioning.

Asking for help wasn’t something you were taught to do. It wasn’t modeled. It wasn’t encouraged. In many cases, it wasn’t even available.

The Psychology Behind Hyper independence

We’ve all heard of Pavlov’s dogs. If not, here’s the short version: Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, discovered classical conditioning by pairing a neutral stimulus (a bell) with food. Over time, the dogs learned to associate the bell with eating, and eventually salivated at the sound alone. The response became automatic.

So how does this relate to hyper independence?

Because human beings are also conditioned by experience.

When vulnerability repeatedly leads to:

• rejection

• criticism

• unmet needs

• emotional neglect

• disappointment

  
  

…the brain learns to associate asking for help with danger.

Vulnerability becomes paired with pain. Independence becomes paired with safety.

Hyper independence doesn’t form from preference — it forms from protection.

It becomes a defense mechanism because your nervous system has been conditioned to view relying on others as unsafe.

Hyper independence wasn’t a choice; it was a survival strategy.

A Wickedly Helpful Metaphor

This reminds me of a quote from Wicked (mild spoiler ahead):“Are we born wicked, or is wickedness thrust upon us?”

In the story, Elphaba — the Wicked Witch of the West — isn’t innately wicked. She develops a hardened exterior because of rejection, shame, and misunderstanding. The world labels her “wicked,” so she uses that identity as armor to survive.

Hyper independence works the same way: A kind of invisibility cloak that shields your most vulnerable parts.

Elphaba, like many hyper independent women, had deeply unmet emotional needs and significant attachment wounds. Her mother died during childbirth, her father rejected her, and throughout the film she resists help — even from Galinda, her closest friend.

Hyper independence often looks like strength, but its roots grow from unattended pain.

Healing the Part That Learned Help Wasn’t Safe

In my work with clients, we often start with mindful self-compassion and parts work — gently meeting the wounded part of the self that learned help was unsafe. Together, we explore:

• identifying that wounded part

• understanding its unmet needs

• uncovering where those needs were denied

• offering compassion, safety, and validation

• slowly rebuilding trust in vulnerability

  
  

This process isn’t easy. It asks you to revisit parts of yourself you long ago buried because they didn’t feel safe to access.

But when clients can sit with these parts — rather than abandon them — something profound happens:

They begin to feel safer asking for help. Even when rejection is possible.

Not because they suddenly “become less independent,” but because they learn that independence doesn’t have to mean isolation.

Asking for help becomes less of a threat and more of a skill — one that can be relearned, rebuilt, and reclaimed.

Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW

Kara Tolman, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist in Wilmington, NC, who specializes in supporting people through anxious thoughts, evolving relationships, life transitions, and the intricacies of military life.

Kara approaches therapy like a blend of education and artistry. She loves turning insights into metaphors, stories, visuals—even small moments of personal honesty—to help clients make sense of their inner world. Her writing lets you peek behind the curtain of her sessions, giving you a feel for how she thinks, teaches, and supports change.